Tim: Whats your new year resolution?
Sandy : 1920 x 1080 full HD. .. :)
Monday, 31 December 2012
Sunday, 30 December 2012
New Years Resolutions You Can Actually Keep!
Read less.
I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store
Stop exercising. Waste of time.
Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
Watch less T.V. in standard definition
Gain enough weight to get on The Biggest Loser.
Watch more movie remakes.
Start washing my hands after I use the restroom.
Procrastinate more.
I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.
I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.
Drink. Drink some more.
Stop buying worthless junk on Ebay, because QVC has better specials
Start being superstitious.
Spend more time at work.
Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store
Stop exercising. Waste of time.
Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
Watch less T.V. in standard definition
Gain enough weight to get on The Biggest Loser.
Watch more movie remakes.
Start washing my hands after I use the restroom.
Procrastinate more.
I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.
I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future.
Drink. Drink some more.
Stop buying worthless junk on Ebay, because QVC has better specials
Start being superstitious.
Spend more time at work.
Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
New Year's Resolutions You Have No Chance At Keeping!!
When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL, LMAO, or ROTFLMAO!"
Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes.
I will try to figure out why I "really" need 5 facebook accounts.
I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.
Lose 20 pounds by going to the gym!
I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.
I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.
I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
Spend less than $1000 for coffee at Starbucks this year.
Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine.
Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again.
I will stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures even when I’m not in them.
I will think of a password other than "password".
Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes.
I will try to figure out why I "really" need 5 facebook accounts.
I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.
Lose 20 pounds by going to the gym!
I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.
I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.
I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
Spend less than $1000 for coffee at Starbucks this year.
Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine.
Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again.
I will stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures even when I’m not in them.
I will think of a password other than "password".
New Year's Eve
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
New Year Resolution To Reduce Weight - Over the Years...
2006: I will get my weight down below 180.
2007: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2008: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2009: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2010: I will work out 5 days a week.
2011: I will work out 3 days a week.
2012: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
2013: Any guess??? ;)
2007: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2008: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2009: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2010: I will work out 5 days a week.
2011: I will work out 3 days a week.
2012: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
2013: Any guess??? ;)
Thursday, 27 December 2012
The English Plural
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and there would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
What do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship...
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
And in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And in closing... If Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop.???
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and there would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
What do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
We ship by truck but send cargo by ship...
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
And in which an alarm goes off by going on.
And in closing... If Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop.???
Tuesday, 25 December 2012
Christmas Riddles
Q. What do you get if you cross mistletoe and a duck? A. A Christmas Quacker.
Q. What do call Santa when he stops moving? A. Santa Pause!
Q. Where does a snowman keep his money?A. In a snow bank.
Q. Why do mummies like Christmas so much?A. Because of all the wrapping!
Q. What goes in a chimney red and comes out of it black? A. Santa Claus.
Q. What's white and red and goes up and down and up and down? A. Santa Claus in an elevator!
Q. How do you scare a snowman?A. You get a hairdryer!
Q. What do they sing under the ocean during the winter?A. Christmas Corals!
Q. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?A. Nothing, it was on the house!
Q. What is invisible and smells like milk and cookies? A. Santa's burps!
Q. What do snowmen do on Christmas?A. Play with the snow angels.
Q. Who says "Oh, Oh, Oh!"? A. Santa walking backwards!
Q. What nationality is Santa Claus? A. North Polish.
Q. How did the sheep say Merry Christmas?A. "Fleece Avoided."
Q. What do you call a Santa that sleeps all the time?A. Santa snores!
Q. Why was Santa's helper depressed?A. He had low ELF-esteem.
Q. What's a good holiday tip?A. Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
Q. What Christmas carol is a favourite of parents? A. Silent Night.
Q. What do you call a snowman in the summer? A. A puddle!
Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?A. Frosted Flakes..
Q. Why does Santa have three gardens ?A. So he can go HOE HOE HOE.
Q. Why did Sponge Bob have a great Christmas? A. Because he kissed a Krabby Patty.
Q. What does Santa clean his sleigh with? A. Comet.
Q. What do you get when you deep fry Santa Claus?A. Crisp Kringle.
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?A. Frostbite.
Q. What's black and white and red all over?A. Santa covered with chimney soot.
Q. What did the snowman order at the fast food restaurant? A. An ice burger with chili sauce.
Q. Why is Santa so good at karate?A. Because he has a black belt!
Q. Why did the candy cane cross the road? A. Because it wanted to get a licking!
Q. Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? A. Because he wanted to sleep like a log!
Q. What do elves learn in school?A. The elf-abet.
Q. If athletes get athlete's foot, then what do astronauts get? A. Missile-toe.
Q. What kind of bug hates Christmas? A. A humbug.
Q. What two countries should the chef use when he's making Christmas dinner?A. Turkey and Greece.
Q. Who gives presents to baby sharks? A. Santa Jaws.
Q. What do you get when you cross a cat with Santa Claus?A. Santa-Claws!
Q. What's white, red and blue at Christmas time?A. A sad candy cane!
Q. What do you call a girl with a Christmas Tree on her head? A. Carol.
Q. What do you get when you eat Christmas decorations?A. Tinsilitis!
Q. What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa when she looked in the sky?A. "Looks like rain, dear."
Q. Why did Frosty have a carrot in his nose? A. Because he forgot where the refrigerator was.
Q. What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?A. Auld Fang Syne!
Q. What did the Christmas tree say to the ornament? A. "Aren't you tired of hanging around?"
Q. Why are there only snowmen and not snowwomen?A. Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
Q. What's Santa's favourite candy?A. Jolly Ranchers!
Q. What did the monkey sing on Christmas day? A. Jungle bells, Jungle bells...
Q. What do you call Santa Claus deep fried?A. Krisp Kringle.
Q. What did the reindeer say when he saw an elf?A. Nothing, reindeer can't talk.
Q. What do you call Santa when he goes down a chimney with a fire at the bottom?A. Krisp Cringle.
Q. What's a good holiday tip? A. Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
Q. What is big, red and flies in the sky? A. Santa Clause.
Q. Did you hear about the cracker's Christmas party?A. It was a BANG!
Q. What do you get if you cross an apple and a Christmas tree? A. Pineapple.
Q. Which elf was the best singer? A. ELFis Presley.
Q. What is the cleanest reindeer called?A. Comet.
Q. How do you know when Santa's in the room?A. You can sense his presents.
Q. What did the cow get for Christmas?A. A COWculator.
Q. What's red and white, red and white, red and white?A. Santa Claus rolling down the hill.
Q. What comes before Christmas Eve?A. Christmas Adam!
Q. Why did Jimmy's grades drop after the holidays? A. Because everything was marked down!
Twenty Ways to Confuse Santa Claus!
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.
18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue for personal injury.
19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.
18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue for personal injury.
19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us.
Knock Knock Christmas Jokes!
Knock, knockWho's there?
Snow Snow who?
Snow use. I forgot my name again!
Snow Snow who?
Snow use. I forgot my name again!
Knock, knock Who's there?
Gladis Gladis who?
Gladis not me who got coal this Christmas!
Gladis Gladis who?
Gladis not me who got coal this Christmas!
Knock, knock Who's there?
SantaSanta who?
Santa Clause!
SantaSanta who?
Santa Clause!
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Irish.Irish who?
Irish you a Merry Christmas!
Who's there?
Irish.Irish who?
Irish you a Merry Christmas!
Mary and Abbey.Mary and Abbey who?
Mary Christmas and Abbey New Year!
Monday, 24 December 2012
Sunday, 23 December 2012
Saturday, 22 December 2012
Saturday, 15 December 2012
Friday, 14 December 2012
Wednesday, 12 December 2012
Tuesday, 11 December 2012
Monday, 10 December 2012
Sunday, 9 December 2012
Saturday, 8 December 2012
Sunday, 2 December 2012
Friday, 30 November 2012
Wednesday, 28 November 2012
Thursday, 22 November 2012
Giving Thanks - Thanksgiving Poem!
For the hay and the corn and the wheat that is reaped,
For the labor well done, and the barns that are heaped,
For the sun and the dew and the sweet honeycomb,
For the rose and the song and the harvest brought home --
Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving!
For the trade and the skill and the wealth in our land,
For the cunning and strength of the workingman's hand,
For the good that our artists and poets have taught,
For the friendship that hope and affection have brought --
Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving!
For the homes that with purest affection are blest,
For the season of plenty and well-deserved rest,
For our country extending from sea unto sea;
The land that is known as the "Land of the Free" --
Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving!
- Author Unknown
For the labor well done, and the barns that are heaped,
For the sun and the dew and the sweet honeycomb,
For the rose and the song and the harvest brought home --
Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving!
For the trade and the skill and the wealth in our land,
For the cunning and strength of the workingman's hand,
For the good that our artists and poets have taught,
For the friendship that hope and affection have brought --
Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving!
For the homes that with purest affection are blest,
For the season of plenty and well-deserved rest,
For our country extending from sea unto sea;
The land that is known as the "Land of the Free" --
Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving!
- Author Unknown
The Little Pilgrim - Thanksgiving Poem
Have stained my pilgrim suit.
I ate too much Thanksgiving day
But I don't give a hoot.
I slurped a pile of dressing,
Gobbled down a turkey thigh,
Dribbled messy cranberries
Devoured some pumpkin pie.
Within me on this special day
It's a thankful heart that beats.
For all the things that I enjoy
But mainly for the eats.
- Author Unknown
Short jokes - Thanksgiving!
Q: Why did they let the turkey join the band?
A: Because he had the drumsticks
Q: What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son?
A: If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
Q: What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?
A: God save the kin.
Q: Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
A: The outside
Q: Why did the police arrest the turkey?
A: They suspected it of fowl play
Q: What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?
A: The turKEY
Q: What did the turkey say before it was roasted?
A: Boy! I'm stuffed!
Q: Why can't you take a turkey to church?
A: Because they use such FOWL language
Q: What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
A: The turkey trot
Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
A: Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving
Q: Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?
A: The turkey because he's already stuffed!
Q: In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated?
A: Turkey.
Q: What do you wear to Thanksgiving dinner?
A: A Har- VEST.
Q: What do Thanksgiving and Halloween have in common?
A: One has gobblers, the other goblins.
A: Because he had the drumsticks
Q: What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son?
A: If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
Q: What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?
A: God save the kin.
Q: Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
A: The outside
Q: Why did the police arrest the turkey?
A: They suspected it of fowl play
Q: What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?
A: The turKEY
Q: What did the turkey say before it was roasted?
A: Boy! I'm stuffed!
Q: Why can't you take a turkey to church?
A: Because they use such FOWL language
Q: What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
A: The turkey trot
Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
A: Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving
Q: Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?
A: The turkey because he's already stuffed!
Q: In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated?
A: Turkey.
Q: What do you wear to Thanksgiving dinner?
A: A Har- VEST.
Q: What do Thanksgiving and Halloween have in common?
A: One has gobblers, the other goblins.
Tuesday, 20 November 2012
A Thanksgiving Poem!
The tear another's tears bring forth,
The sigh which answers sigh,
The pulse that beats at other's woes,
E'en though our own be nigh,
A balm to bathe the wounded heart
Where sorrow's hand hath lain,
The link divine from soul to soul
That makes us one in pain,
Sweet sympathy, benignant ray,
Light of the soul doth shine;
In it is human nature giving, A touch of the divine.
The sigh which answers sigh,
The pulse that beats at other's woes,
E'en though our own be nigh,
A balm to bathe the wounded heart
Where sorrow's hand hath lain,
The link divine from soul to soul
That makes us one in pain,
Sweet sympathy, benignant ray,
Light of the soul doth shine;
In it is human nature giving, A touch of the divine.
- Author Unknown
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