The Most Evil Thing

“Cash, cheque or card?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

“So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.

“No,” she replied, ” but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”

Cut Off The Tail

Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet.

“Doctor,” he said sadly, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to cut off my dog’s tail.”

The vet stepped back, “Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?”

“Because my mother-in-law’s arriving tomorrow, and I don’t want anything to make her think she’s welcome.”

The Wedding Cake

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most all of us have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

What Is Marriage!

§     Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. It's TRUE! Statistically 100% of all divorces started with marriage!

§     I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

§     Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

§     The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

§    In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

§    Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

§    A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "I wish I had your willpower."

§     Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

§     Young son: Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

§     A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

§      The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

§     First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"  Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

§    How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

§    Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all!

§     If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

§    Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."