Starting Salary

A car owner taking interview of a driver and finally he told, “OK. you are selected and you will get $ 2000 as starting salary.

The driver answered, “You are great Sir ! For starting if $2000 then for driving how much sir?

How Coca Cola Got Its Name

When Coca Cola was first made in 1885, it got its name from the traces of cocaine added for energy.

The caffeine was from the Kola Nut making the name Coca Cola. It was removed completely by the 1920's due to pressure groups in USA.

Monday Morning Blues!

The Clever Jew!

Some years ago, Joseph was finally given an exit permit by the Russiansand allowed to emigrate to Israel to join his family.He was told that he could only take what he could pack into one suitcase.At the Moscow airport he was stopped by an enormous customs officer whoglared at him and snarled, "Open the case!"

Joseph opened the case and the Russian rummaged through the meagre belongingsand pulled out a large bundle wrapped in old copies of Pravda. He unwrapped it to reveal a bust of Stalin and kissed it.
"What is that?" snarled the customs officer.

"What is that?" said Joseph timidly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' -you should ask 'Who is that?' That is our glorious leader Stalin.I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the wonderful thingsthat he did and the marvellous life that I am leaving behind."

"I always knew that you Jews were mad!" said the official,tossing the bust into the case. "Go!"

A few hours later Joseph arrived at Ben Gurion airport and was confrontedby an Israeli customs officer. "Shalom. Welcome to Israel. Open the case!"

Once again Joseph's belongings were examined and the customs officer came upon the bust.

"What is that?" said the customs officer.

"What is that?" said Joseph indignantly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?' - you should ask 'Who is that?' That is the bastard, Stalin. I'm taking it tomy new home to remind me of all the misery and suffering that he caused mefor most of my life. I want to spit on it every day for the rest of my life."

"I always knew that you Russians were mad!" said the official,tossing the bust into the case. "Go!"

At last Joseph arrived in his new home and eventually got around to unpacking,watched by his young nephew. He took out his few clothes and then carefullyunwrapped the bust of Stalin and put it on a table.

"Who is that?" asked his nephew.

"Who is that?" said Joseph with a smile. "You shouldn't ask, 'Who is that?' -
You should ask, 'What is that?'That is five kilos of gold and a just bit of black shoe polish".

Post courtesy: Amit Kapoor

The First Lt.General Of India

After getting freedom, a meeting was organized to select the first General of Indian Army. Jawahar Lal Nehru was heading that meeting. Leaders  and Army officers were discussing to whom this responsibility should be  given.
In between the discussion Nehru said, "I think we should appoint a British officer as a General of Indian Army as we don't have enough experience to lead the same."

Everybody supported Nehru because if the PM was suggesting something, how  can they not agree?

But one of the army officers abruptly said, "I have a point, sir."

Nehru said, "Yes, gentleman. You are free to speak."

He said ,"You see, sir, we don't have enough experience to lead a nation  too, so shouldn't we appoint a British person as first PM of India?"

The meeting hall suddenly went quiet and tense.

Then, Nehru said, "Are you ready to be the first General of Indian Army ?"

He got a golden chance to accept the offer but he refused the same and said, "Sir, we have a very talented army officer, my senior, Lt. Gen.Cariappa, who is the most deserving among us."

The army officer who raised his voice against the PM was Lt. General Nathu Singh Rathore, the 1st Lt. General of the Indian Army.

That is the professionalism and character the military is made of!

Post Courtesy: Gayatri Suri

Arab And Gujarati

An Arab was admitted in the Lilavati Hospital at Mumbai for heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to a number of countries. Finally a Gujarati was located who had a similar type of blood. The Gujarati willingly donated his blood for the Arab.  

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati as appreciation for giving his blood, a new Toyota Prado, diamonds, lapiz lazuri jewellery and a million US dollars.

 

Once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.  

His doctor telephoned the Gujarati who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Gujarati a thank you card and a jar of Almond halwa sweets. The Gujarati was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate the Gujarati's kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him that this time also I thought that you would give me Toyota Prado, Diamonds and Jewellery..... But you gave only a thank you card and a jar of Almond sweets ....  

On this the Arab replied "Bapu.....now I have Gujju blood  in my veins!" 

Post Courtesy: Amit Kapoor
https://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Laughs-Out-Loud/234136863367872

Smart Lady

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

Who's Easiest To Operate?

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Houston, says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order'.

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers.. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all upwhen he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.

Pa Wont Like It

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, “Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I’ll help you get the wagon up later.”

“That’s mighty nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Pa would like me to.”

“Aw come on boy,” the farmer insisted.

“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “but Pa won’t like it.”

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”

“Don’t be foolish!” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is he?”

“Under the wagon.” the boy replied!

Guide To A Better Life

This is amazing, Randy Pausch 47 yrs old, A computer Sc. lecturer from Mellon University. He died of pancreatic cancer in 2008, but wrote a book "The Last Lecture" before then, one of the bestsellers in 2007. What a legacy to leave behind!

In a letter to his wife Jai and his children, Dylan, Logan, and Chloe, he wrote this beautiful "guide to a better life" for his wife and children to follow.

May you be blessed by his insight.

POINTS ON HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR LIFE

Personality:
1. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
2. Don't have negative thoughts of things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment
3. Don't over do; keep your limits
4. Don't take yourself so seriously; no one else does
5. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip
6. Dream more while you are awake
7. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need..
8. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner of his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
9. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
10. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present
11. No one is in charge of your happiness except you
12. Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
13. Smile and laugh more
14. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Community:
15. Call your family often
16. Each day give something good to others
17. Forgive everyone for everything
18. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6
19. Try to make at least three people smile each day
20. What other people think of you is none of your business
21. Your job will not take care of you when you are sick. Your family and friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:
22. Put GOD first in anything and everything that you think, say and do.
23. GOD heals everything
24. Do the right things
25. However good or bad a situation is, it will change
26. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up
27. The best is yet to come
28. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful
29. When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it
30. If you know GOD you will always be happy. So, be happy.

While you practice all of the above, share this knowledge with the people you love, people you school with, people you play with, people you work with and people you live with. Not only will it enrich YOUR life, but also that of those around you.

Remember,

GOOD THINGS ARE FOR US TO SHARE.....!!!!!!

Dumb Blonde Flying In First Class

A beautiful blonde flopped down in first class on a flight from Los Angeles bound for New York. A flight attendant approached her to say that her ticket was only good for economy class.

“But I am beautiful and I am blonde and I am heading for New York city,” she replied, “ I deserve first class.”

Frustrated, the flight attendant summoned her boss who also asked the blonde to move over to the economy class seat.  “ Don’t you see how beautiful I am ?” replied the blonde, “ I am a blonde and blondes fly first class.”

Finally, the pilot came over to speak to her.  After a few moments, the blonde got up and went to the economy class to take a seat there.

“ What did you tell her ? ” asked the flight attendant.
“ I told her that first class wasn’t going to New York,  only the economy class goes to New York.”

Paint My Porch!

A woman wanting to earn some money decided to hire herself out as a handyman and started looking around in a wealthy neighborhood.  She went to the house of a wealthy man and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.  “Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge ?”
The woman said, “ How about fifty dollars ?” 

The wealthy man agreed and told her that the paint and ladder that she might need were in the garage. 

A short time later, the woman came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already ? ” he asked.
“Yes,” she answered, “and since I had some paint left over, I gave it two coats.” 

Impressed, the man reached into his wallet for the fifty dollars.

“ And by the way,” she added, “ that’s not a Porch, it’s a Mercedes !”

Some Very Good and Very Bad Things

The most destructive habit....... .............Worry
The greatest Joy......... ......... ......... ....Giving
The greatest loss..................................Loss of self-respect

The most satisfying work......... ..............Helping others
The ugliest personality trait....... .............Selfishness
The most endangered species.............. ....Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource.... ...............Our youth

The greatest 'shot in the arm'...................Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome.... .......Fear
The most effective sleeping pill.............. Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease.............Excuses

The most powerful force in life............... Love
The most dangerous act.........................A gossip
The world's most incredible computer........The brain
The worst thing to be without................ Hope

The deadliest weapon........ ........ .........The tongue
The two most power-filled words........ .... 'I Can'
The greatest asset.................................Faith
The most worthless emotion....................Self- pity

The most beautiful attire..................................SMILE!
The most prized possession.. ....................... .....Integrity
The most powerful channel of communication..........Prayer
The most contagious spirit...... ......... ................Enthusiasm

Life ends; when you stop Dreaming,
Hope ends; when you stop Believing,
Love ends; when you stop Caring,
And Friendship ends; when ypu stop Sharing!

Life's Balance Sheet

A reminder that we all need to have a Balanced Life

   

Our Birth is our Opening Balance!
Our Death is our Closing Balance!
Our Prejudiced Views are our Liabilities
Our Creative Ideas are our Assets

Heart is our Current Asset
Soul is our Fixed Asset
Brain is our Fixed Deposit
Thinking is our Current Account

Achievements are our Capital
Character & Morals, our Stock-in-Trade
Friends are our General Reserves
Values & Behaviour are our Goodwill
Patience is our Interest Earned
Love is our Dividend
Children are our Bonus Issues
Education is Brands / Patents

Knowledge is our Investment
Experience is our Premium Account
The Aim is to Tally the Balance Sheet Accurately.
The Goal is to get the Best Presented Accounts Award.

What Goes Around, Comes Around

One day a man saw an old lady, stranded on the side of the road, but even in the dim light of day, he could see she needed help. So he pulled up in front of her Mercedes and got out. His Pontiac was still sputtering when he approached her.
Even with the smile on his face, she was worried, No one had stopped to help for the last hour or so. Was he going to hurt her? He didn't look safe; he looked poor and hungry.
He could see that she was frightened, standing out there in the cold. He knew how she felt. It was those chills which only fear can put in you.
He said, 'I'm here to help you, ma'am. Why don't you wait in the car where it's warm? By the way, my name is Bryan Anderson.'
Well, all she had was a flat tire, but for an old lady, that was bad enough. Bryan crawled under the car looking for a place to put the jack, skinning his knuckles a time or two. Soon he was able to change the tire. But he had to get dirty and his hands hurt.
As he was tightening up the lug nuts, she rolled down the window and began to talk to him. She told him that she was from St. Louis and was only just passing through. She couldn't thank him enough for coming to her aid.
Bryan just smiled as he closed her trunk. The lady asked how much she owed him. Any amount would have been all right with her. She already imagined all the awful things that could have happened had he not stopped. Bryan never thought twice about being paid. This was not a job to him. This was helping someone in need, and God knows there were plenty, who had given him a hand in the past.
He had lived his whole life that way, and it never occurred to him to act any other way.
He told her that if she really wanted to pay him back, the next time she saw someone who needed help, she could give that person the assistance they needed, and Bryan added, 'And think of me.'
He waited until she started her car and drove off. It had been a cold and depressing day, but he felt good as he headed for home, disappearing into the twilight.
A few miles down the road the lady saw a small cafe. She went in to grab a bite to eat, and take the chill off before she made the last leg of her trip home.It was a dingy looking restaurant. Outside were two old gas pumps. The whole scene was unfamiliar to her. The waitress came over and brought a clean towel to wipe her wet hair. She had a sweet smile, one that even being on her feet for the whole day couldn't erase. The lady noticed the waitress was nearly eight months pregnant, but she never let the strain and aches change her attitude. The old lady wondered how someone who had so little could be so giving to a stranger. Then she remembered Bryan....
After the lady finished her meal, she paid with a hundred dollar bill. The waitress quickly went to get change for her hundred dollar bill, but the old lady had slipped right out the door. She was gone by the time the waitress came back. The waitress wondered where the lady could be. Then she noticed something written on the napkin.
There were tears in her eyes when she read what the lady wrote: 'You don't owe me anything. I have been there too. Somebody once helped me out, the way I'm helping you. If you really want to pay me back, here is what you do: Do not let this chain of love end with you.'
Under the napkin were four more $100 bills.
Well, there were tables to clear, sugar bowls to fill, and people to serve, but the waitress made it through another day. That night when she got home from work and climbed into bed, she was thinking about the Money and what the lady had written. How could the lady have known how much she and her husband needed it? With the baby due next month, it was going to be hard....
She knew how worried her husband was, and as he lay sleeping next to her, she gave him a soft kiss and whispered soft and low, 'Everything's going to be all right. I love you, Bryan Anderson.'

There is an old saying, 'What goes around comes around.' Today I sent you this story and I'm asking you to pass it on. Let this light shine. God works in mysterious ways and sometimes puts people in our lives for a reason.

Strange Facts

According to the weekly world news the aliens ships from the Planet Gootan have left their Airspace and are expected to reach Earth somewhere in early December 2012, i.e just before the 2012 prophecy is fulfilled.

Approximately one-sixth of your life is spent on Wednesdays.

Polar bears can eat as many as 86 penguins in a single sitting.

A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years.

Albert Einstein predicted that the World war IV is going to be fought by sticks and stones.

Nicola Tesla was a far more better scientist than Thomas Edison. Thomas Edison actually stole ideas and hypothesis of Tesla.

Piano was invented by a Scientist named Alkundi in the 11th century.

In space, astronauts cannot cry properly, because there is no gravity, so the tears can't flow down their faces.

There are still places in the world that are inhabited by lost civilisations who are undiscovered.

Mermaids exist and have the greatest power of sensing danger so that makes a chance of finding them rare.

The worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is over 9000 years old.

The state of Florida is bigger than England.

Letter From Home

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I’m still alive. I’m writing this letter slowly because I know you can’t read fast. We are all doing very well.

You won’t recognize the house when you get home – we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since.

Your father’s got a really good job now. He’s got 500 men under him; he’s cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven’t found out if it’s a boy or a girl, so I don’t know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.

Your brother Tom is still in the army; he’s only been there a short while and they’ve already made him a court martial!

Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey at the brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

I’m sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week; they are charging him with dope peddling.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me I couldn't talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy the tube from him.

The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother’s plot wasn’t paid in seven days, up she comes.

About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday, we were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck, Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back; they drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

There isn’t much more news at this time; nothing much has happened.

Your loving Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

If You Can Read This You Have A Strong Mind

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Life Is A Gift - Treasure It

There was a blind girl who hated herself just because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She said that if she could only see the world, she would marry her boyfriend.

One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her and then she could see everything, including her boyfriend. Her boyfriend asked her, “Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?” The girl was shocked when she saw that her boyfriend was blind too, and refused to marry him. Her boyfriend walked away in tears, and later wrote a letter to her saying:
“Just take care of my eyes dear.”

This is how human brain changes when statuses change. Only few remember what life was before, and who’s always been there even in the most painful situations.

Life is a gift.

Today before you think of saying an unkind word – think of someone who can’t speak.

Before you complain about the taste of your food – think of someone who has nothing to eat.

Before you complain about your husband or wife – think of someone who is crying out to God for a companion.

Today before you complain about life – think of someone who went too early to heaven.

Before you complain about your children – think of someone who desires children but they’re barren.

Before you argue about your dirty house, someone didn’t clean or sweep – think of the people who are living in the streets.

Before whining about the distance you drive – think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.
And when you are tired and complain about your job – think of the unemployed, the disabled and those who wished they had your job.

But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another – remember that not one of us are without sin and we all answer to one maker.
And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down – put a smile on your face and thank God you’re alive and still around.

Life is a gift – Live it, Enjoy it, Celebrate it, and Fulfill it.

The Most Evil Thing

“Cash, cheque or card?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

“So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.

“No,” she replied, ” but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”

Tap Me Not

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped Centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!“

The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.”

The driver replied, “Its OK, thats not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”

Cut Off The Tail

Bert took his Saint Bernard to the vet.

“Doctor,” he said sadly, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to cut off my dog’s tail.”

The vet stepped back, “Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?”

“Because my mother-in-law’s arriving tomorrow, and I don’t want anything to make her think she’s welcome.”

Smart Wish

A Gujju having no child, no money, no home, a blind mother, prays to God.

God happy with his prays, grants him a wish but its only one wish!

Gujju thinks about his wish and says, “I want my mother to see my wife putting Diamond bangles on my Child’s hands in our new mansion!"

Train Info

Mr. A, one day is at the railway station. He asks one man there, "When will Rajdhani Express go from here?".

The man replies, "12.30".

Next question, "When will Punjab Express go from here”?

Man Replies, "10.30".

“When will Deccan Queen go from here”?

Man Replies, "12.30".

Thus Mr. A goes on asking for all the trains. Now the man gets fed up and asks whether he wants to go to punjab by any train or not.

A replies, “No. I only want to cross the tracks!!"

Crocodile Shoes

A lady walks into a shoe shop and asks the assistant: “Have you got any crocodile shoes for sale?”.

“Yes!” He replied, “They are $2,500?

“I’m not paying that much!” the shocked lady exclaimed. “I will go into the nearby lake, catch a crocodile and get my own”.

“Good luck!” said the amused assistant.

So the lady walked out of the shop.

At 6 o’clock the assistant had finished work and was on his way home when he saw the lady waist deep in water, holding a baseball bat.

He shouts over to her, “How are you doing?”.

The lady points over to a pile of dead crocodiles layed on the bank.

“I’ve killed 6 crocodiles and not one of them is wearing shoes!”

The Wedding Cake

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most all of us have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

God's Right Hand

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten.
His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.
His grandmother remarked, "doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and He did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"
"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!

The Rose Beyond The Wall

A rose grew where all could see
sheltered beside a garden wall.
And, as the days passed swiftly by,
it spread its branches, straight and tall...
One day, a beam of light shone through
a crevice that had opened wide ~
The rose bent gently toward its warmth
then passed beyond to the other side...
Now, you who deeply feel its loss,
be comforted ~ the rose blooms there ~
Its beauty even greater now,
nurtured by God's own loving care.

- Author Unknown

What Is Marriage!

§     Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. It's TRUE! Statistically 100% of all divorces started with marriage!

§     I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

§     Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

§     The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

§    In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

§    Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

§    A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "I wish I had your willpower."

§     Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

§     Young son: Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

§     A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

§      The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

§     First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"  Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

§    How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

§    Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all!

§     If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

§    Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

 

A Case For FBI

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbour Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.

The phone rings at Tom's house.

"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yeah they did."

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden ploughed."

Post Surgery Effects

A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.

Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.

The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic." 

Make Some Money!

Two friends went to the seaside.

#1: "Are you seeing that advert by the National Health Association: '$100 for every person rescued from drowning' ?" 

#2: "Yes, and so?"

#1: "This is an excellent opportunity for us to make some money."

#2: "How?"

#1: " You should jump into the sea and start panicking, then I save you and we divide the $100 between us."

#2: "It's only that I don't know how to swim."

#1: "Don't worry I'll save you in time."

So he agreed and jumped.  He soon started panicking and waited for the other friend to save. But this one hesitated.

#2: "Come on, I'm really going to drown.  You should save me now."

#1: "I don't know, because I'm noticing a nearby advert by the National Medical Research Foundation: $500 for every cadaver given to us!" 

Use of Alcohol

A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.

He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.

"All right, son," asked the father, "what does that show you?"

"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."

Good Relationships

There were two childhood buddies who went through school and college and even joined the army together. War broke out and they were fighting in the same unit. One night they were ambushed. Bullets were flying all over and out of the darkness came a voice, "Harry, please come and help me." Harry immediately recognized the voice of his childhood buddy, Bill. He asked the captain if he could go. The captain said, "No, I can't let you go, I am already short-handed and I cannot afford to lose one more person. Besides, the way Bill sounds he is not going to make it." Harry kept quiet. Again the voice came, "Harry, please come and help me." Harry sat quietly because the captain had refused earlier. Again and again the voice came. Harry couldn't contain himself any longer and told the captain, "Captain, this is my childhood buddy. I have to go and help." The captain reluctantly let him go. Harry crawled through the darkness and dragged Bill back into the trench. They found that Bill was dead. Now the captain got angry and shouted at Harry, "Didn't I tell you he was not going to make it? He is dead, you could have been killed and I could have lost a hand. That was a mistake." Harry replied, "Captain, I did the right thing. When I reached Bill he was still alive and his last words were "Harry, I knew you would come."

Good relationships are hard to find and once developed should be nurtured. We are often told: Live your dream. But you cannot live your dream at the expense of others. People who do so are unscrupulous. We need to make personal sacrifices for our family, friends, and those we care about and who depend on us.

Life-Echo

A son and his father were walking on the mountains.
Suddenly, his son falls, hurts himself and screams: "AAAhhhhhhhhhhh!!!"
To his surprise, he hears the voice repeating, somewhere in the mountain: "AAAhhhhhhhhhhh!!!"
Curious, he yells: "Who are you?"
He receives the answer: "Who are you?"
And then he screams to the mountain: "I admire you!"
The voice answers: "I admire you!"
Angered at the response, he screams: "Coward!"
He receives the answer: "Coward!"
He looks to his father and asks: "What's going on?"
The father smiles and says: "My son, pay attention."
Again the man screams: "You are a champion!"
The voice answers: "You are a champion!"
The boy is surprised, but does not understand.
Then the father explains: "People call this ECHO, but really this is LIFE.
It gives you back everything you say or do.
Our life is simply a reflection of our actions.
If you want more love in the world, create more love in your heart.
If you want more competence in your team, improve your competence.
This relationship applies to everything, in all aspects of life;
Life will give you back everything you have given to it."

YOUR LIFE IS NOT A COINCIDENCE....IT'S A REFLECTION OF YOU!

Puppies for Sale

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the pups and set about Nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he Felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the Eyes of a little boy.
Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."
"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "these puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."
The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer. "I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"
"Sure," said the farmer.
And with that he let out a whistle,"Here,Dolly!" he called.
Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight.

As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared; this One noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up....
"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.
The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."
With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe. Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need Someone who understands."

The world is full of people who need someone who understands.

Attitude

There was a man who made living selling balloons at a fair. He had all colors of balloons Including red, yellow, green. Whenever business was slow, he would release a helium filled balloons into the air and when the children saw it go up, they all wanted to buy one. They would come up to him, buy a balloon and his sales would go up again. He continues this process all day. One day, he felt something tugging his jacket. He turned around and saw a little boy who asked,” If you release a black balloon, would that also fly?” Moved by the boy’s concern, the man replied with empathy.” Son, it is not the Color of the balloon, it is what inside that makes it go up.”

The same thing applies to our lives. It is what is inside that counts. The thing inside of us that makes is go up is our attitude.

Your Value

A well known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?"

Hands started going up.

He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this." He proceeded to crumple the dollar bill up.

He then asked, "Who still wants it?"

Still the hands were up in the air.

"Well," he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.

He picked it up, now all crumpled and dirty. "Now who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air.

"My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.  

Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.

We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. You are special - Don't ever forget it!

What Difference Does It Make?

There was a man taking a morning walk at the beach. He saw that along with the morning tide came hundreds of starfish and when the tide receded, they were left behind and with the morning sun rays, they would die. The tide was fresh and the starfish were alive. The man took a few steps, picked one and threw it into the water. He did that repeatedly. Right behind him there was another person who couldn't understand what this man was doing.

He caught up with him and asked, "What are you doing? There are hundreds of starfish. How many can you help? What difference does it make?"

This man did not reply, took two more steps, picked up another one, threw it into the water, and said, "It makes a difference to this one."

What difference are we making? Big or small, it does not matter. If everyone made a small difference, we'd end up with a big difference, wouldn't we?

The Brick

About ten years ago, a young and very successful executive named Josh was traveling down a Chicago neighborhood street. He was going a bit too fast in his sleek, black, 12 cylinder Jaguar XKE, which was only two months old.

He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something. As his car passed, no child darted out, but a brick sailed out and - WHUMP! - it smashed Into the Jag's shiny black side door! SCREECH..!!!! Brakes slammed! Gears ground into reverse, and tires madly spun the Jaguar back to the spot from where the brick had been thrown. Josh jumped out of the car, grabbed the kid and pushed him up against a parked car. He shouted at the kid, "What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are you doing?!" Building up a head of steam, he went on. "That's my new Jag, that brick you threw is gonna cost you a lot of money. Why did you throw it?"

"Please, mister, please. . . I'm sorry! I didn't know what else to do!" Pleaded the youngster. "I threw the brick because no one else would stop!" Tears were dripping down the boy's chin as he pointed around the parked car. "It's my brother, mister," he said. "He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up." Sobbing, the boy asked the executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."

Moved beyond words, the young executive tried desperately to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat. Straining, he lifted the young man back into the wheelchair and took out his handkerchief and wiped the scrapes and cuts, checking to see that everything was going to be OK. He then watched the younger brother push him down the sidewalk toward their home.

It was a long walk back to the sleek, black, shining, 12 cylinder Jaguar XKE -a long and slow walk. Josh never did fix the side door of his Jaguar. He kept the dent to remind him not to go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at him to get his attention. . .

Some bricks are softer than others. Feel for the bricks of life coming at to you. For all the negative things we have to say to ourselves, God has positive answers.